"Well," said Stuart, "I hate to boast, but since you insist upon knowing, I have no choice but to tell you that every time Gary has snorted in ecstasy in the back of my van, he did so after lamenting, 'Oh, if only I had such a huge, amazing cock like yours, Stuart!'"
Gary threw his face into his hands, shaking his head, but Laura burst out laughing, hysterically.
Stuart kept a straight face and said, sternly, "I'm not boasting, mind you... I'm just answering your question.
Laura turned to Gary and asked, in between giggles, "Is that true? Do you have Stuart-Penis-Envy."
"I definitely do not!," Gary protested. "At least mine is straight -- not twisted into an S-shape."
Laura raised here eyebrows. "S-shape? Sounds kinky."
Stuart said, "Actually, I think of it as more of an embellished 'C', with a bit of flair -- it fits with my personality."
"Yeah," agreed Gary. "Bizarre and twisted."
Laura wiped the tears of laughter from her eyes. "You boys crack me up! I just have two questions: how did Stuart's thingy get twisted into that shape, and how come Gary has such detailed knowledge of what it looks like?"
Gary tried to dodge the second question by jumping in on the first. "It got twisted from overuse from beating off a dozen times a day since he was twelve."
Laura laughed again. "Really? That often at that age?"
Gary answered, gratified to have finally gotten one up on his buddy, who was uncharacteristically struggling for an answer. "It helps when you have no sexual preference whatsoever. Stu can get off on anything. His dad used to wonder why the pages in his wildlife magazines were always stuck together -- particularly in issues that featured reptiles and exotic birds."
Stuart grinned appreciatively at Gary's humor and joined in. "Yeah, but if you think that was a problem, you should have seen me trying to explain to my mom why the pictorial directory from the nursing home where she worked wouldn't open and why Mrs. Filbin -- the 90-year old woman in a wheelchair had handwritten her phone number on the back cover with a heart around it."
As Gary and Laura made gagging expressions, Stuart continued. "But that's not the reason for the shape of the Starship Stuart," he said, grabbing his crotch dramatically. "It's because this bad boy is in such high demand that I've had people engage in a virtual tug-of-war, trying to get me to give them my undivided attention. It's no wonder it can't decide which direction to go."
"And is Gary one of those who has been tugging on the -- what did you call it -- the Starship Stuart?" asked Laura.
Stuart started to answer, but then checked himself, realizing he might actually be pushing the boundaries of permissible behavior with his friend. He looked at Gary and said, "I think I'll let Gary answer that... I'm feeling a bit fatigued from the toil of being so incredibly awesome today."
Laura looked at Gary expectantly, and he took a deep breath and said....
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