"Damn it, Dad! How could you forget about our firearms?" you suddenly cry; startling everyone in the room.
You stand-up, walk towards the shower, and round-house kick one of the shower walls, Chuck Norris style. The recently downed wall reveals a huge room filled with unimaginable spaces of supplies, weapons, and survival utilities. At the end, you see a solar powered monitor displaying the contents of this hidden room. It reads:
Inventory check -
1) 1000 Kilolitres of body wash
2) Approximately one million gallons of water (stored underneath bunker).
3) 1,203,648 rounds of miscellaneous ammunition
4) Twenty LCRs, assorted colours
5) Ten XM8 rifles, fully operational
6) Five CheyTac Intervention bolt-action sniper rifles
7) Forty assorted shotguns
8) 32,000 pounds of MREs
9) Assorted clothing, one hundred boxed
10) Two million gallons of assorted oil, expiration date 2134 (stored underneath bunker)
11) Five pumps, three for water and two for oil
12) Full sized kitchen
13) One hundred shock-proof video cameras
14) One tank
15) Fifteen Cannons
16) Jerry's porn collection
17) Jerry's porn-star day's memorabilia
18) Jerry's insurance paper's
19) Assorted military-grade goggles
20) Fifteen body armour suits
21) Para-military helmets
21) Jerry's Cryoprese$@($^*@(|}{!#><<
Error, please insert bigger flash drive, list too long
*Picture of Dad with a ruler and penis, 10.5 inches long*
You stared at the screen, thinking all sorts of crazy thoughts, most importantly "How come I am two inches shorter than Dad?" Until your Mom's screaming brings you back into the real world.
"Jerry! Would you mind explaining me what in the hell is THIS?" As her mammoth breast tries to escape from her skin-tight dress.
"Before I met you, I was a porn star, Navy SEAL officer, and spy for our country. One day, after I got off from work, I saw the Vice-President shaking hands with one of the top secretaries of the USSR. I should have not seen that meeting, because afterwards, I got tortured, beaten, and forced amnesia to forget everything that happened.
I was only twenty-six, and the next morning I met you, a surprisingly virgin twenty-year old prodigy and surgery intern at the Navy Academy. The government offered me a deal I could not resist, either die and classified as MIA (Missing-In-Action), or forget what happened, accept a million dollar bribe (for medical expenses anyway), get discharged with an 'honorary discharge', and start a new life. For you see, I was at the epitome of the ranks, would have joined SAD at the CIA in a year or so, as well as the best-trained recruit for four-straight years, their top-dog would have not succumbed to dirty tactics employed by his subordinates; this does not mean that the son's of bitches did not leave me with memory problems, as you probably guessed."
Mom's nipples were visible through her dress, from the emotional wreck that Dad's speech had left her. It somehow made you feel like an ass, but sexually aroused simultaneously.
"You are only six inches, you bastard!" The words that came out of Mom's mouth left everyone speechless, but it did relieve the air of the tension that had built up.
"Honey, I said I was tortured, one of the things they did was cut my penis in various places, the head doctor had to come in and perform state-of-the-art surgery before the intern, being you, could come and practice." said Dad, almost compassionate.
"Now please, lets get our heads back into the game and plan how to liberate these women, as the males are only neo-Nazi frat kids, whom don't even know who Hitler is! The women are the engineers, doctors, carpenters, mechanics, and workers. Did I say that their cage is one square mile big? They use electrical collars on them, we only need to kill the kids and liberate the women from the collars to establish a good compound."
I absent mindedly interrupted Dad
"Where did you get the money to buy all of the equipment and supplies in here; more importantly, why the hell are we not using this compound!?"
Dad stared at me angrily
"Son, remember when the fire in your Aunt's Krystal five-star hotel killed all of our extended family?"
"Yes" You reply, almost scared of the obese man in front of you.
"That was arson, and each person had a million dollar life insurance on their head or clit, whatever you want to call it, pubic parts. I collected the money and built this bunker and fortress, this is only level one, the stairs have fifty more floors below us and one above; each with it's own monitor and inventory check. That is right, this monitor is only displaying the inventory in this floor, do not get sidetracked.
I said I had forgotten about this part of the bunker and we will only use it in emergency situations, such as this one. I'm glad you overheard myself, talking while asleep, remember, I see everything through the micro-cameras, but they are so damn small, you can't hear shit with them! With that being said, we better get on track.
What the hell are we going to do?" |