The title of the film appears across a backdrop of flame, as arabesque music plays. Then, a camel and rider stride across a desert as a brassy female voice sings the familiar refrain of "Arabian Nights". As the music builds, we see our first view of the great city of Agrabah, first in a panoramic view, and then swiftly moving through the streets past a nude fire-eater before catching up with the camel as it stumbles to a halt and its rider slides down.
It's a woman, short and cartoonish, but still sexy with almost comically huge breasts, wearing a turban that is definitely comically large and skimpy robes. She turns to face the "camera", and addresses the viewer directly.
"Ah, salaam and good evening to you, worthy friends! Please, please come closer."
The camera squashes up against her breasts. "Too close. A little too close," she declares. The view obligingly slides backwards. Nodding with satisfaction, she resumes talking.
"Welcome to Agrabah! City of mystery, of enchantment..." suddenly she pulls a peddler's stand out of nowhere. "Of the finest merchandise, on sale today!"
She attempts to sell a few items via highly exaggerated spiels, but the camera begins panning away from her. She bursts forward to stay on-screen.
"Wait, don't go! I can see you are only interested in the exceptionally rare. Somtehing like...THIS!" She reaches into her sleeve and proffers a brass lamp.
"Do not be fooled by its commonplace appearance," she cautions. "Like so many things it is not what is outside, but what is inside that counts. This is no ordinary lamp! It once changed the course of a young stud's life, a young stud who like this lamp was more than what he seemed."
She gives the viewer a conspiratorial look. "A Diamond in the Rough. Would you like to hear the tale?"
She pours some shining sand from the lamp into her hand, then flings it into the air, where it becomes the stars in the sky over the desert as her words trail away. "It begins on a dark night, where a dark woman waits, with a dark purpose..."
A short, scruffy mustachioed man rides up a dune, and is confronted by a tall, well-shaped feminine figure on a horse, hidden by shadows with a bird on her shoulder.
"You. Are late," a seductive female voice drawls.
"A thousand pardons, O patient one," the man says, making gestures of obesiance.
"You have it then?" says the voice, as the camera focuses on two gorgeous eyes that seem to burn with wickedness.
The man holds out something shiny. "I had to suck a few cocks and slit a few throats, but I got it," he declares. But as the dark woman reaches out for it, he pulls it away.
"Ah-ah-ah. The treasure first." He declares...at which point the bird, now revealed as a parrot with a comparatively large hard-on, swoops down and grabs the shiny thing, half of a golden scarab, from his hand and drops it in the woman's palm, before landing on her shoulder and being reward by having his cock licked. Suddenly, her face is revealed, framed by a black turban; she is a vision of sinister loveliness, with sensual lips made for cocksucking.
"Patience, my pungent friend," she soothes as she examines the trinket. "You'll get's what's coming to you."
She reaches past the low neckline of her cleavage-baring robes and removes the other half of the beetle, while the parrot repeats the end of her sentence. With a wicked grin she unites the two halves.
Suddenly, it begins to glow. the wings flutter, and it shoots off, leaving behind a trail of sparks. "Quickly! Follow the trail!"
The pair ride off at breakneck speed, the parrot following behind. In time the scarab halts, and once again breaks into halves which circle a dune before embedding themsevles in it. Suddenly the dune bucks, growing larger as the ground shakes and a whirlwind surrounds it, ultimately forming into the opening of a cavern, shaped like the mouth of a massive tiger's head with glowing eyes.
"At last!" the woman purrs triumphantly. "After all my years of searching; the Cave of Wonders."
"Awk! Cave of Wonders!" the parrot squawks.
The woman grabs the awestruck man by the collar. "Go! Remember; bring me the lamp! The rest of the treasure is yours, but the lamp is mine!"
She pushes him forward. He approaches the cave, rubbing his hands in anticipation, his expression one of naked greed. As he slowly approaches the opening, the parrot squawks again, before turning to his mistress and whispering "Geez, where'd you dig this bozo up?"
The woman shushes her pet as the man approaches the tiger-head's lips. He looks down into its gullet as a stairway forms, but as he steps forward, the lip moves!
"WHO DISTURBS MY SLUMBER!" the Tiger-Head booms.
The man cowers, and kowtows. "It is I, Gazim...a humble thief."
"KNOW THIS," the Tiger-Head declared. "ONLY ONE MAY ENTER HERE, ONE WHO'S WORTH LIES FAR WITHIN; THE DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH!"
Gazim shoots the woman, now leaning on a cobra-headed staff in a pose that bares one long, long leg, a confused and frightened look. She instructs him to continue. Stealing himself, Gazim steps forward. He places a foot on the first step, freezes...and then sighs with relief as nothing happens. And then the head rears up, swallowing him, before plunging downward, throwing sand everywhere, leaving behind an echoing pronouncement as the two halves of the scarab tumble down the face of the dune it has once again become.
"SEEK THEE THE DIAMOND IN...THE DIAMOND IN...THE DIAMOND IN THE ROUghhh..."
The parrot digs himself out of a pile of sand, coughing, then picks up the two halves of the scarab, ranting about how they'll never get the lamp. As he drops the two pieces of the scarab into the her hand the woman, whom the parrot called Jafar, seeks to calm him.
"Patience Iago, patience. Gazim was obviously less than worthy."
Iago makes an exasperated noise. "Oh, there's a big suprise! I think I'm going to have a heart attack and die from that suprise! What are we gonna do? We have a big prob..."
Jafar silences him with a kiss. "Later. For now, put your tongue to better use."
She opens her robe, revealing a shaved pussy. Iago grins, flies downward and begins licking and sucking... |